What makes a bar special
Warm lighting or go fuck yourself
Bars are a staple in modern society. They can be an escape from the cold, cruel world, a shelter from the storm that is your mind. They are often trigger points for romantic encounters, a place where you can irrational decisions that you later regret.
Bars are also a business, and unless well taken care of, go under at the drop of a hat. Maybe the owner was involved in a Ponzi scheme and lost all his money, or worse was the architect of said scheme and left his staff unpaid and unhappy with bills for days and a disappointed customer base.
If a bar does manage to float above water and establish itself as an essential part of a community, the impact it has on its patrons is unbeatable. You may lose friends and lovers, but you will never lose a bar, and if you do lose a bar, there’s always another one around the corner for a pint of Guinness and some fried goodies to accompany it.
Not all bars are made equal. There are plenty of shitty bars that masquerade as good ones. A good bar isn’t necessarily a fancy one. Most dives and local neighbourhood pubs are great for what they represent. You would be wise finding a place like this to call your second home. Most successful “brewpub, gastropub, restaurant/bar” chains are usually always bang average. Avoid these at all costs.
A good bar must have a knowledgeable bartender, and a drunken loner sitting at the end of the bar – a slave to his addiction, resigned to his fate. It should also have a cocktail menu that is minimal – no flavoured vodkas, no white claws, just spirits well-mixed together designed to get you to a place, and snacks – nothing snooty – to add some flavour to your evening. Food isn’t an essential component and doesn’t define an establishment. You are after all there to drink down your stresses of the day. If your favourite bar serves appetizers, snacks, and the occasional grease-laden burger, it’s a bonus.
Whenever possible a bar should also be reasonably priced, and if frequented enough offer you preferential treatment. Nothing crazy, they know you tip well, your face seems familiar enough, so they take your drink order before the casuals, and let a few extra drops of whiskey splash into the shaker when they’re making you your sour.
A regular staff shows that a bar is stable and so a bar must have familiar faces. This can be tricky because it does depend on how often you frequent the bar, but if you are a true alcoholic –excuse me – afficionado, you will be in usually at the same time on the same days or have visited enough times to have made an impression on the rotating bartenders, and know the waiters faces well enough. They might not know what your go to drink is just yet, but you know them, and that’s what counts.
Get their names, exchange a few words every now and then, tip well, and sooner or later you will find that Steve behind the bar gives you a free shot of Jameson occasionally.
A bar – whether pub, dive, or cocktail – should obviously have the drink. And the drink must be designed to elevate the energy of the establishment. So, when you are wandering around Chinatown in San Francisco at 4pm on a Tuesday and see a battered board on the sidewalk with chalkboard writing indicating happy hour, you cannot walk in expecting an upscale establishment with table service and a waiter that also works as your personal therapist. More than likely, you walk in and find a beaten down place with paint falling off the walls, a pool table that has a light fixture above it with a broken bulb, floor so sticky it feels like melted tar, and a bartender with a scowl on her face, almost goading you to test her with your happy-go-lucky attitude. It is imperative that once you have entered such an enterprise, you order nothing more than a pint, a two-ingredient drink, or if you're a veteran, liquor served straight or on the rocks
On the other hand, a dimly lit, quiet, intimate hole in the wall that only opens its doors when the sun goes down, whose patrons don't include drunken youth that are lost in the darkness in their idiotic, careless stupor, means you dress up. Wear clothes that fit. Boots to go with, if possible, but loafers and baggy clothing are a (disgusting) trend these days, so if you must wear that, spruce it up as best you can. You don’t have to go too snazzy but show the world you have some self-respect because “Oof, Madonn, how’s it gonna look?” if you don't.
A good bar will always have tasty drinks yes. But if there are too many drinks on the menu that look like they just don’t belong, that should be a red flag. Too often bars try too hard to fit a certain mold – any hipster place that takes itself too seriously will give you this vibe – that they end up neglecting the classics: negronis, martinis, Manhattans, old fashioned and the like.
A bar should serve a cocktail that is strong and unpretentious. A martini must be served with gin with vermouth, not vodka and for fuck’s sake no added sugary flavour, always stirred, and with heaps of olives on a pointy stick.
Do not even bother with a place that has some sort of fusion mango margarita with pineapple chili. Gross.
A below average old fashioned served in a fancy rocks glass automatically means that the business loses that piece of crockery to an alcoholic with a sleight of hand who insists he can make a better drink than the one served to him. Bars can dress up something as much as they want, but if the drink isn’t what it’s supposed to be, we should lay the debt collectors on them.
Any bar that carries a bit of pride will also have lighting that is just bright enough for you to see the menu, but not well lit enough for you to see the pockmarks on the face of the gentlemen sitting next to you. It is imperative that lighting be good! And by good, I mean dim, and warm. Think deep red or maroon shades of colour, none of that Phillips hue purple neon bullshit, and nothing less than orange.
Anything leaning towards the white or cooler end of the lighting spectrum, and you may as well be in an office cubicle swigging a half empty bottle of Stoli as you burn the midnight oil trying to impress your boss who’s long gone.
Warm lighting or go fuck yourself.
So, there you have it. A full-proof, iron-clad metric with which you can rank your favourite bars. Don't bother telling me which of yours ranks ahead – I have my own list – just enjoy the bloody shit out them.